The Most Hardcore Ways To Protest Marriage Equality
This man looks cold, there’s better ways to do this.
It’s official. The Supreme Court has come out in favor of marriage equality, making same-sex marriage actual, factual, and incontestably legal in all 50 states as per the Constitution. Many still remain upset at the notion of 2 people of the same sex engaging in the time honored tradition of legal marriage and feel something has to be done. It’s going to take more than slapped-together signs and withheld marriage licenses to put this well-dressed genie back in the bottle. If you really want things to go back to normal (normal being something outside of doing nothing differently in your day to day life), you’ll have to put your money where your marriage is and make some sacrifices. You’ll have to get hardcore! Here are 5 hardcore ways to properly protest marriage equality.
1. Straight Sex Strike
If you really want to let the government know you mean business, the best thing you can do as a straight person is stop having straight sex. If there is nothing but gay sex happening throughout the country, there’s a chance your leaders could be so thoroughly squicked at the thought of it, they’ll just forget all about this historic decision from the highest court in the land.
Plus after a few years of this protest, there should be a dearth of babies. Once the government realizes that protesters of marriage equality no longer have children to raise, they will probably get around to considering doing something maybe. If there’s one thing the government knows it needs, it’s reactionary citizens that support limiting the rights of others and teaching their children to think the same way as them.
2. Adoption Frenzy
Married same-sex couples love adopting children and building families. In fact, now that so many more same-sex couples will be enjoying the ill-gotten fruit of happy legal marriage, they will probably go nuts creating homes for the millions of children out there who could use one. Don’t let them get away with that. Start an adoption frenzy. Adopt as many children as you can to keep them out of loving families with homosexual parents. Make sure you take better care of them too by sparing no expense for their wants and needs. Once the government sees how selfless opponents of marriage equality are, they’ll probably give you all the children!
3. Marry Inanimate Objects and Animals
Nothing shows how serious you are about the absurdity of the current state of marriage equality than getting married to something ridiculous like a ferret or a severed toe. If they don’t let you do that, simply start protesting until you can. If you can find a county that will let you marry your life-sized cutout of the Most Interesting Man In The World or prize chihuahua, go have the ceremony, invite your entire family, say vows, get a marriage license and everything. Once the government sees how ridiculous this sort of thing looks, they’ll be sure to put a stop to all the same-sex couples enjoying marital bliss under the law.
4. Pretend To Marry Someone of the Same Sex
Another thing we should all be wary of now that marriage equality is legal under the law are straight people taking advantage of the system by getting in fake same-sex marriages to pay lower taxes or get free insurance. Such scams probably cost the government hundreds of dollars a year. To better protest the Supreme Court decision to allow for marriage equality, simply flood the country with marriages between same-sex couples. Remember to make it look as real as possible just like in I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry. Move in together, have a wedding, and be seen being affectionate with one another in public all while enjoying the tax breaks and free insurance. This will show the government just how unpopular and wrong this marriage equality policy change is.
5. Protest Straight Weddings
Now this may seem a counterintuitive, but stick with me on this one. Heteros need a united front! Rather than protest same-sex weddings since they are already legal now, you need to stop all the straight people from getting married instead. It’ll be an uphill battle, but once you are able to lock down different-sex marriage you’ll be able to take down entire industries! Once the government sees less hetero marriages, they’ll have no choice but to return marriage to its roots under God. Plus, if you’ve done all the other things on this list as part of your years-long protest, they’ll know that you are clearly a citizen they can trust when it comes to marriage equality!
