How To Be Perfect: Resume Fudging
Welcome to How To Be Perfect; a no-nonsense advice* column from two women who know everything.
*We are “lifestyle experts” who have been trained by women’s magazines, men’s magazines, tabloids, celeb gossip and reality TV in the ways of the world. Advice need not be “good” in order for it to count as advice. Take it or leave it though you should probably leave it.
Todays Query: So, I kinda lied on my resume whilst trying to get the job of my dreams. I lied and now I am due to start my job very soon and I am nervous. I said that I have experience managing teams when in fact I have not. I am going to be managing a team in my next job. Do you see my problem? Please can you give me tips on how to trick my fellow work folk?
Oh cool, most likely you will be fired within weeks. And then you’ll be on the bad economy unemployment train once again. But maybe you’re savvier than I suspect and you’ll fool em…
All you need to do is adopt an abrasive attitude. At your first team meeting, make jabs at your subordinates. Yep, right off the bat. Comment on their lack of fashion style or promptness. You’re not doing this because you want to call attention to anything they’ve done wrong, just to bully them. Bullying, managing, what’s the difference?
Do this enough times to make staff members feel too uncomfortable to talk to you honestly and openly. This way you won’t actually be steering them, just making them awkwardly seek your approval. The only drawback is that no one will really be your friend. But how can people really be friends with a liar? Seriously! Not me.
If you’re ever feeling you’re not up to living this lie, just focus on what we all know to be true: the best, most successful leaders didn’t have any silly team management experience! I’m thinking of my hero Stalin. He got where he needed just through sheer meanness and paranoia. Use it. Live it. Good luck on your new job!
I’ve never worked in an office environment before so I will give you my best acting tips:
Rent all the movies you can pertaining to this position. When I had to do a Mississippi accent I rented every movie set in Mississippi I could find. And you know what I discovered? They’re all about racism. Seriously, think about it; Ghosts Of Mississippi, Mississippi Burning, A Time To Kill.
So I made my character secretly harbor racist thoughts to add an extra level of authenticity. So find some movies where the main character has to manage a team successfully. I don’t know what kind of team you mean, so here are my suggestions:
1) Ladybugs – This movie is about Rodney Dangerfield agreeing to coach his company’s all girl soccer team. He uses his fiancee’s son as a ringer, cuz you know, girls being athletes?! What a joke. To be fair this is before a woman’s world cup even existed. I think. But anyway, you’ll learn valuable skills for managing: like completely underestimating your team’s ability to win without cheating.
2) The Mighty Ducks – Emilio Estevez. Joshua Jackson. Quack quack quack quack. That’s about all I should have to say to get you to watch this movie. But it will also help you managing a rag tag group of miscreants. You see, Emilio plays a man who’s never coached but he does drink and drive. So of course for DUI he’s sentenced to coach the losingest peewee hockey team around. You will learn everything about winning, which is uber-important no matter what job you do!
3) Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitters Dead– This is probably the most important of the bunch. Christina Applegate copies a resume out of a resume book and immediately gets hired at a top fashion company in LA. She will guide you first hand through the trials and tribulations of faking it till you make it. And also, smoking in the office. For real, they smoke a lot indoors. All you need to do is pull off a spectacular fashion show at the end featuring all of the early ‘90s greatest trends and an ice sculpture, and all your lying will be forgiven!
So I hope you take these suggestions seriously. Pretend it’s all 100% real. Remember: it’s not a lie if you convince yourself it’s true.