How To Be Perfect: Living Alone
Welcome to How To Be Perfect; a no-nonsense advice* column from two women who know everything.
*We are “lifestyle experts” who have been trained by women’s magazines, men’s magazines, tabloids, celeb gossip and reality TV in the ways of the world. Advice need not be “good” in order for it to count as advice. Take it or leave it though you should probably leave it.
Today’s Query:”How do I make my small space warm and inviting?”
So, you’re living alone, huh?
Well, you are obviously a single woman because only single women rent small apartments and worry about them feeling cozy.
What you’re really asking is how to keep men there once you’ve lured them there. And I’ve got one answer for you: video games.
Invest in a game console and learn to play a few games. There’s fun girlie ones too, but do those on your own time. I want you learning like Call Of Duty and Madden 2012, boy games.
Then when you’ve got him in the apartment he’ll see the game system AND boy games. Initially he may get suspicious that another man was there, but then you dazzle him with your fake war skills.
Also keep man snacks on hand. You of course need to be skinny and can only eat handfuls of raw nuts, but he doesn’t know that. Make sure you have his junk food of choice.
You see a smart girl changes herself according to what her potential man likes. That way he thinks he’s making a genuine connection with his dream girl, though you know there’s no such thing.
Men want, nay, NEED to be fooled.
Eventually he won’t see the point in going home at all, everything he could want is right in your small space!
This will get you a live in boyfriend in no time!
YES! Try to live alone as little as possible. You have YEARS of living alone ahead of you after your man leaves you or dies, so don’t bother now, silly girl.
Bunny had some really good tips, and so here are some more:
Make sure that your space is completely sterile and clean. I once read that 2/3 of people don’t sit on the toilet seat (even at their best friend’s house) if they see a mess. What an insult that’d be if you caught the guy hovering over your toilet while pooping! Also, how awkward. Why are you walking in on him mid-poo? Spray your whole space with the scent of citrus, because it’ll make him think of cleaning products. And cleaning products make him think of good women! Hell, spray yourself, too!
Also, install several locks on all of your doors. The psyche of a human male is very lazy. If he think he’ll need to unlock 3 locks just to leave the bedroom, he’ll be less likely to get out bed. Make sure you lock the door behind you when you leave so he doesn’t get out. If he knocks on the door or yells out, pretend you didn’t hear it. Keep fixing him his breakfast.
How could he ever leave?