How To Be Perfect: Hookup Culture
Welcome to How To Be Perfect; a no-nonsense advice* column from two women who know everything.
*We are “lifestyle experts” who have been trained by women’s magazines, men’s magazines, tabloids, celeb gossip and reality TV in the ways of the world. Advice need not be “good” in order for it to count as advice. Take it or leave it though you should probably leave it.
Today’s Query: So when I was single I had been hooking up with a couple of girls. I flat out told them I was not interested in a relationship with them. I slowly stopped talking to them when I rekindling a romance with my ex. Now we are officially back together and at least two of the sluts are taking subliminal shots at me in Facebook statuses! What should I do? I’d love to ignore it, but sometimes I get urges…
Wow, there is a LOT to take in here. This hath what hookup culture has wrought!
I’ll start with the end: you get urges? Urges to do what, exactly? Be angry about Facebook statuses?
Next, “at least 2 of the sluts”? Damn, how many sluts were you slinging your dick into? I hope you’ve been tested.
This is obviously your mistake. You can make all the protests you want that you told these women “up front” you were unavailable, but did you really expect them to believe you? Afterall, you were putting your dick in them. Women can’t help it, a dick in their vag sends messages to the brain that say “Keep this guy around!”
Every man knows there are two kinds of women: sluts and girlfriend material. But you’re a smart boy, you should know that every slut thinks she’s girlfriend material. She just assumes your protestations of not wanting a relationship are for show, afterall what kind of pussy man “wants a relationship”? Every slut is also super-confident in the power of her pussy to override your desires and make you want what she wants. Can’t blame a girl for trying, man.
Basically, this is a case of you making your slutty, slutty bed full of sluts and now you have to lie in the Facebook diss wetspot. (Sidetone: Why you still following them if you all committed now, hmmmm?)
What do you care if pathetic sluts are taking shots at you on their pathetic Facebook statuses? You got your girl back, didn’t you? Seems like a small price to pay for mongamous bliss.
If you MUST enact some sort of revenge, I advise you let your girlfriend take care of it. You might not know this, but women have a higher capacity for meanness, especially when it comes to “Don’t you be talking about my man!” territory.
Those sluts won’t know what hit them.
He that hideth hatred with lying lips, and he that uttereth a slander, is a fool. Proverbs 10:18
Those fools are uttereth-ing mad slander, and you need to be better than that. I applaud you for being forthcoming with the slut duo and for not committing adultery with them while in a relationship. You sound like a stand up dude. Now you need to be even more stand-uppy. We all have urges. Though we are not sure what your urges are, (is this a case of Tourette’s? Clicking the mouse thrice for each hyperlink? Bestiality?) it takes a bigger man to sit there and ignore them. You want to be a bigger man, yes? (Morally, of course. Fat guys are no-no.)
I recommend that you completely repress the anger or whatever else is inside of you, perhaps channeling it into a manly activity like building a bookshelf for your beautiful and respectable girlfriend. Take the high road; be like Jesus and Buddha. This way everyone will think of you as a man, not a boy, a class act, not an embarrassing black sheep. Don’t respond these statuses in any form. Shush. Nope, not a peep. Shh. Shhhhhhhhh.