Welcome to How To Be Perfect; no-nonsense advice* column from two women who know everything.
 
We are “lifestyle experts” who have been trained by women’s magazines, men’s magazines, tabloids, celeb gossip and reality TV in the ways of the world.
 
*Advice need not be “good” in order for it to count as advice. Take it or leave it though you should probably leave it.
 

Today’s Query: Hello two women! I have always found it hard to maintain a male/female friendship. I always find that the men try to stick it in me at some point. I am starting to become pessimistic as many of my female friend have male friends but perhaps they are just doing it in secret and liking it. I never flirt with these male friends they just seem to think its a viable possibility that I may feel the same. Advice please 🙂

 
Well, the problem is that there is no such thing as a male-female FRIENDship, at least not from the male’s perspective.
 
You see, men are handicapped by their penises, and no matter what a man may think rationally, his willy is going to still want to stick it in you. Always. That’s why it doesn’t matter that you haven’t flirted with them, their penis is the little organ that could, and will always try to find a way. To your vagina.
 
I suggest you either pretend to be a lesbian (tho this can backfire), or do something really gross or matronly in front of him to train his penis to stay in the “off” position when he sees you.
 
If you really want some guy friends, consider learning to play video games like “Halo,” and then you can have lots of online male friends that you pretend to shoot people with. Hope this helps. 🙂
 
A good way to make sure a guy doesn’t want to sleep with you is if you sleep with all his friends and/or brother.
 
 
I second everything Bunny wrote. And third it.
 
Honestly, I don’t even know what being friends with guys means. Like, all my guy friends do is eat and stare off into space whenever we hang out. Or at my chest. It’s really boring conversation.
 
There’s really only one reason to ever spend time with a guy and that’s when he’s in the running to be your husband. Otherwise, it’s just dull. Sure, attention is great, but think of how you’ll explain all these dude “friends” to your new boyfriend. He’ll be mad, and you’ll have to ditch them later on to curb his jealousy. So why bother collecting guy friends?
 
Do yourself a favor- get out there, find REAL men who will ask you on dates and be honest with their desires for you.
 
DISCLAIMER: Do not take this advice.

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