How To Be Perfect: Bad Coworkers
Welcome to How To Be Perfect; a no-nonsense advice* column from two women who know everything.
*We are “lifestyle experts” who have been trained by women’s magazines, men’s magazines, tabloids, celeb gossip and reality TV in the ways of the world. Advice need not be “good” in order for it to count as advice. Take it or leave it though you should probably leave it.
Today’s Query: “I’m dealing with this difficult woman from work. She’s horribly rude and always putting her stress on other people, and never seems to feel bad about it at all. how do I handle this?”
Is she your boss or is she not your boss? Who’s the boss? Who’s the boss?! If this lady is not your boss, find allies with other coworkers to whine to and build an army of people who hate her. Just tell them that she’s rude about them behind their backs, that always works. Then find ways to exclude her from plans, even staff meetings. “Oops, you got left off the invitation. Must have been Outlook. Microsoft is always buggy!” Eventually she’ll feel the cold shoulder and start acting differently. But why stop there? Getting her to stop her behavior isn’t the goal, is it? Surely it’s not! Bunny has some excellent advice (see below) on your next steps.
If she is indeed your boss, then you need to handle this differently. Since your job is super important and necessary, you need to do everything in your power to keep it. I don’t care if you have developed a psychological disorder from the verbal and emotional abuse– that’s what the rest of us call ‘work’. Just do what we all do- get super drunk at happy hour, if you can make it. Usually those end by seven, so rush rush rush! All I’m saying is don’t you go growing a fat head over there, you hear me? This woman spent ten to fifteen years behind bars, er, climbing to her position. She not only deserves to act this way, but she probably knows a thing or two about how to get ahead. Whatever she’s doing is good for you. She’s just poking your inflated balloon of an ego and putting you in your proper place. Shame on your parents for teaching you that you are ‘special’.
Look, there’s a time for love and a time for living. Sometimes a person is so god-awful that you must destroy her entire life. You take a chance and face the wind. If you are EXTREMELY careful, this advice should be applicable to a boss or a coworker. There’s an open road and a road that’s hidden, and there’s a brand new life around the bend for you, if you follow my advice! There were times when I lost a dream or two, but a dream of revenge is ALWAYS worth it.
First, is she married or in a committed relationship? She totally doesn’t deserve to be! If so, plant the seeds that there’s an affair afoot. Slip empty condom wrappers into her bag, and set up a fake OKCupid account (they’re free!) for her husband to find. Place disturbing ads on Craigslist that will no doubt flood her inbox with pathetic Craigslist trolls. Make sure you indicate anything about her that would appeal to fetishists.
If you are able to, seduce one of the IT guys in your office and get access to her personal information. You have to be clever and CAREFUL, you don’t want them to find the trail, and at the end is you. If you can get into her Facebook account, you’ve hit the jackpot! Then you can make her seem unstable and unreliable by “liking” all sorts of awful pages. I say go for straight up racist or something crazy like that she’s a huge Jodi Arias supporter. There’s a path you take and a path untaken, the choice is up to you, my friend.
Do you know where she lives and have a friend with a working car alarm? Well, arrange to have the alarm go off all night, every night out side her window. If this isn’t possible, find her home phone number and call incessantly throughout the night. *69 still works to block your number! Nights are long, but you’re on your way to a whole new life!
Hopefully she will start turning up at work frazzled and sleep deprived, and then you can start phase 2 of your revenge. Once she’s visibly shaken and her work is suffering, you can work on getting her fired. If you succeeded in your IT seduction, you should be able to access her work email and change the filter settings so things marked “important,” “urgent,” and “memo” will go directly to her spam folder.
If you’ve played your cards right, you should be free of her horribleness within a matter of weeks. It’ll be a brand new life, a brand new life, a brand new life around the bend.