How To Be Perfect: An Advice* Column
Welcome to the first installment of How To Be Perfect; no-nonsense advice column from two women who know everything.
We are “lifestyle experts” who have been trained by women’s magazines, men’s magazines, tabloids, celeb gossip and reality TV in the ways of the world.
*Advice need not be “good” in order for it to count as advice. Take it or leave it though you should probably leave it.
Today’s Query: “Ok, I know about sex and I know about blowjobs, but what are the other ways to please a man?”
There’s a deep dark secret that all men share that they’d never let out into the open. All men have a secret, burning desire to essentially rape a woman, to take her without her will. Or at least that’s what I learned reading Fifty Shades of Grey.
This is why your man is probably so bored with having sex with you- he can have you whenever he wants to. And he probably feels like you won’t be into this idea because you’re so sexually inexperienced. My suggestion is wait til he comes over (or home, if you two live together) and tell him you’ve been thinking about something and you need to talk.
This usually scares the shit out of guys, so he’ll get all stone-faced and defensive. Then spring these words on him, “I have always wanted to be raped, please rape me.” He might get uncomfortable or he might get really excited, it’s really 50/50. The best way to go about a true-to-life rape fantasy is not to discuss any details or plan it out. I even suggest withholding sex until you can play this out.
Let him surprise you! After all, most rape is a surprise, why ruin it with your obsessive-compulsive planning? Believe me, this should work to get his engines going!
Best of luck,
I second all of Ruby’s advice, but I prefer to think of it as “rape-light” or “diet rape.” You know, not the kind of “legitimate rape” that women’s bodies can really shut the whole thing down.
I’d also suggest training yourself for anal sex if you haven’t already. Every man wants to put it in the butt. Everyone knows that.
But there are plenty of ways to please and excite your man outside the bedroom. Have you considered getting plastic surgery? A flaw that is easily overlooked when your man is in the first flush of love can quickly become a real boner-killer later on.
A nice thing might be to model yourself after his fave celebrity crush, especially if she looks totally different from you. He likes Kim Kardashian? Get butt implants. Angelina Jolie? Plump up that pucker! Alternately, does he hate a particular celeb? Like for example, say your man hates Lady Gaga, then you should make sure you aren’t very interesting in any sense because obviously he’s not into that.
All it take is a little brainstorming, ladies! C’mon, men are easy!
DISCLAIMER- do not take this advice.