Perez Hilton is the Worst
I’ll admit it: I used to have a voracious appetite for celebrity gossip. It’s shameful and embarrassing, as I’m the type of lady who fancies herself too smart to be caught up in such cliched female trappings. It was almost as bad as my penchant for introspective and enduring conversations about hair.
Perez Hilton
I started reading Perez Hilton at the tail-end of college. I liked how openly silly and crass he was, drawing dicks on paparazzi shots. Hilarious, right?
But he was also mean; so mean it kept me coming back for more. Eventually, the constant barrage of negativity took its toll. Sure, some of his bitchiness was entertaining. However eventually he evolved into extreme haterdom. It was like pigging out on the most disgusting junk food. It tastes good at first, but within 15 minutes you’re sick to your stomach.
The Nicknames
Jennifer Aniston was “Maniston.” There was a whole era where he referred to Beyonce as “Beywolf,” where he’d infer that she stank and wasn’t as cute as everyone made her out to be (utter sacrilege) . He’d call a then-underage Miley Cyrus “Slutty Cyrus”. A thirty-something year old man calling a teenage girl a “slut” because he didn’t approve of her outfit gave me the heebie jeebies. Additionally, he may have single-handedly created the idea that Khloe Kardashian was a transvestite. What kind of asshole picks on Khloe, of all Kardashians?!
Here, There, and Back Again
In 2010, in light of several gay teen suicides, getting punched in the face by Will.I.Am’s bodyguard, and a chance meeting with Jennifer Aniston (where she actually had to clarify she was indeed a real person) Perez decided no more bullying. A little of the scummy lustre was lost.
He’s now decided to do it again! He has a baby! He’s moved to NYC, you know…to get away from “fake people”…rebranding y’all!
The Problem
Here is the fundamental Perez problem: he’s an infuriatingly sanctimonious hypocrite who simply isn’t very smart. Admittedly, I haven’t seen his SAT scores, but he is insufferably un-self-aware which reads a lot like “stupid” in print an onscreen.
Perez stopped some his most overt bullying, yes. But there remain two areas where his values are exceptionally conservative for a man, who until recently, had pink hair. When it comes to the most common vices, celebrities are not safe from the glaring eye of Perez Hilton.
Sex and Drugs
Specifically, he shames women (typically more than men) for ANY sex tape/nude photograph etc. Regardless, he’s usually among the first to post that shit. He even created a separate website solely for NSFW gossip. In Perez’s world, sexual exhibition is an unforgivable sin. To him, it’s such an awful thing to do, that celebrities who have their private moments broadcasted to the world deserve the ridicule.
So You Want To Be Famous?
Now I’m not advocating for people to tape their sex, it’s just, if thats what you want to do, on the ubiquitous and easy-to-use technology we all have available to us now, then what the fuck do I care? I mean, really. Why is it so awful for people to do this? Because it’s slutty? Because it’s “stupid” if you want to be famous? Famous people are perverts too.
Drugs Are Bad MMMKAY?
The drugs thing: her assumes all drugs are created equal. Weed is just as bad as heroin, in Perez Hilton’s world. Don’t do drugs!; he often posts as he tsk-tsks some celeb for admitting they smoke weed. He frequently accuses celebrities that fight with him of drug abuse. It’s his go-to character assassin.
In a recent interview he imagined a world where Jay-Z and Beyonce invited his baby to play with Blue Ivy. He said he probably wouldn’t agree, because “Jay-Z talks about drug use all the time in his songs” and he wouldn’t want to expose his poor, innocent child to that sort of thing. His delusions of grandeur are phenomenal.
Perez Hilton Jr. and Father Condemn Carter Family Home a Crack Den
He currently operates under the illusion that he has cleaned up his act. After all, he has a baby and everyone knows babies automatically make people better human beings…except when they’re terrible! Babies make terrible people exponentially and intollerably terrible, as anyone with a bitchy frenemy from college who is now a mother can attest.
If you still desire to gawk at horrible, low-brow celebrity gossip, may I suggest the muck that is MediaTakeout instead?
