My Interview With Donald Trump
Trump sat down with us to talk entitlements.
I recently got a chance to ask a question on entitlements to GOP frontrunner Donald Trump, one of many issues that he has yet to explain his position on with any depth at our alma mater, the University of Pennsylvania.
Me: Thank you for sitting down with me
Trump: Sure. As I said, I looooooove the Muslim people. You are fabulous and fantastic. Many of you work for me. Do you want to take a picture together?
Me: Maybe later, but I’m not a Muslim.
Trump: Your name has all those vowels. Well, you’re a Wharton guy so….
Me: I was actually in the College.
Trump: You get one question as you are clearly not very bright and won’t have the yuuuuuuuge amount of success that I have had.
Me: Thanks. Given that a small number of federal expenditures — Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, national security, and interest on the debt — typically constitute about 80 percent of all federal spending, and given that we are not going to cut non-defense discretionary spending to zero, there is no mathematically plausible way to balance the budget without: 1) cutting spending on Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and/or national security; and/or 2) raising taxes. So, what’s it going to be: spending cuts in popular programs, higher taxes, or deficits forever?
Trump: Yeah, well that’s all real interesting, but I have people who handle all that stuff for me. And let me tell you, I am very rich. And the people I will have working for me will be phenomenal. They will make your head spin. We’ll look into all that, and fix it. And another thing about my administration? No fat chicks. I will build a wall that will keep the ugly girls out. I have slept with some of the top women in the world. I have a helicopter with my name on it. If you don’t like the Mexicans, and they are not very bright people, then I will make sure to keep them out. I will make fat chicks pay for their own diet programs, because let’s face it – these broads have got to lose some weight. As for the Russians, trust me when I tell you, I am a great negotiator. Putin will give me whatever we want when I am President. And the Chinese? I know how to deal with these people – Trust me, I am very rich. And when I am President, all these problems will be dealt with. Trust me. I am smart. Did I mention that I am very rich and a great negotiator. Negotiating is all about knowing what you want. I will build such a wall – I am a great builder – I have built some of the world’s greatest casinos. If you want a wall, I am your guy. I don’t mean to sound braggadocious, but I am very rich. And I am a great business man. I am very smart. I know how to get things done, and let’s face it – Most of those other guys? Overrated. Fat ugly wives. My family is beautiful. I would date my own daughter as she’s so beautiful. Lets face it….I’m rich. And I’m also rich…..
Me: I don’t think you answered my question
Trump: Trust me I did. Look at my poll numbers. They just went up.
Me: I haven’t even posted the interview yet
Trump: Telling you the truth is not my job. We’re done here.
Disclaimer: This is obviously fictional
