How To Be Perfect: Discipline
Welcome to How To Be Perfect; a no-nonsense advice* column from two women who know everything.
*We are “lifestyle experts” who have been trained by women’s magazines, men’s magazines, tabloids, celeb gossip and reality TV in the ways of the world. Advice need not be “good” in order for it to count as advice. Take it or leave it though you should probably leave it.
Todays: Query: Can you give me some creative ways to discipline children? I work with kids and they just don’t seem to respect me, but I don’t want to come off mean. What can I do to make them listen to me like little robots?
Well, neither Bunny or I have children, so we can be objective in this advice.
Yep, constantly brainwash these kids with doctrine. I’m sure you have a bunch of ideas of how the world should be and how children should act swimming around in your brain. These thoughts may not be totally coherent, though, because we all know that people who work with children are not very smart.
I mean, honestly, everyone knows that smart people go into fields like marketing and business. But yeah, since you probably don’t know any lofty doctrines, you need to learn some. Usually fundamentalist religion is your best bet. Start taking these kids to church, mosque, synagogue, or New Age temple every chance you get.
Don’t take them to any foofy places that make religion fit into modern day life. Find the strictest places that interpret the bible or L. Ron Hubbard’s books LITERALLY.
You’re probably wondering how this is going to make these kids respect and listen to you. Well, let me explain. When they start hearing a bunch of stuff they don’t believe, and seeing that you and a whole slew of other adults DO believe, they are going to get really confused and frustrated and probably sad.
Eventually they’ll have no other option but to follow everything, including whatever you tell them to do. Making them hurry to the bus or do their homework will be a breeze if they believe that the Messiah is going to resurrect all the dead. Best of luck!
Kids only respect what they fear. Thusly, you must scare them. Kids feel too safe nowadays, anyway, it’s time they learn things could be a lot worse.
I suggest sharing true stories from the news. Look at your phone while you are with them and gasp loudly. Tearily recount some horrible story where, perhaps, a kid was abducted on his walk home and chopped up into little pieces!
Mention how lucky SOME children are to have nice adults LIKE YOU in order to prevent such things. Then just as quickly as you brought it up, slip right back into cheerful mode.
Do this several times a week. Have them in a constant state of anxiety. Then when they misbehave overreact. Pretend as if they almost killed someone or themselves.
Now you must make sure they see some horrible shit independent of your stories. Always walk in creepy neighborhoods in the broad daylight. “Accidentally” allow them to see inappropriate movies with really disturbing, graphic violence (but-good lord!- no sexy stuff, because oh that’ll REALLY fuck them up according to the MPAA.)