How To Be Perfect: Casual Sex
Welcome to How To Be Perfect; a no-nonsense advice* column from two women who know everything.
*We are “lifestyle experts” who have been trained by women’s magazines, men’s magazines, tabloids, celeb gossip and reality TV in the ways of the world. Advice need not be “good” in order for it to count as advice. Take it or leave it though you should probably leave it.
Todays: Query: How do I get laid and quickly?
Are you a dude? Seriously, people, we need you to specify gender! How am I supposed to spout out gender-biased stock advice if you don’t tell me your gender? Seriously!
My advice will differ based on who I think you are:
You’re a hot guy:
Walk into a bar with 3 shorter, uglier friends. Stand around looking good and aloof. Eventually at least half the girls in the room will want to fuck you, especially if you send your lesser friends to hit on them, making them physically ill and longing for you. At least one chick will actually physically throw herself on top of you. Done and done.
You’re a decent-looking guy OR cute but not WASPy:
Maybe your jaw is so undefined that you need a chinstrap or you just happen to have naturally brown skin, no worries, you will still get laid. Maybe some of the ex-sorority types will shun you because you’re not Ryan Reynolds, but lots of other girls will want you. In any space, you will have to compete with the Hot Guy.
So…there are two ways to go about this: you can either read a shit ton of playa-playa books to become a GIANT douche bag or just take the best that you can get. This all depends on how much self-esteem you decide to have. If you want to have tons of self-esteem, then just stick with the girls you can get.
But if you want to prove to the whole world that even though you were born with a big nose or back hair, you can still land every single girl, then learn the tools of the trade of douche bag. Stop caring about women’s feelings, buy some roofies, and make sure to point out every girl’s flaws to detract from your own. At least one of these chicks will be on your junk within moments.
You’re an ugly or morbidly obese guy:
You better have a huge bank account, dude. I don’t even think the dbag plan will work here. Women settle every day, but not that much. Your best bet is to get married, slowly. To a needy girl who doesn’t want to every work again. But if you need to get laid RIGHT NOW, get a hooker.
You’re a girl:
Are you missing a limb? An eye? Do you have a full beard? A tail? One breast? Seriously, don’t worry. Someone will fuck you. Right now. Some things to try: ask a guy on the bus if you can simulate fellatio on his thumb, tell everyone you like anal, wear two bras at once, etc. All of these are clear signals that some horny sap will very quickly pick up on.
Ruby’s advice is so thorough I don’t have much I can add. But there are a few options she hasn’t considered:
Quickest way for anyone to get laid is to troll craigslist for someone who is kinky for just what you are.
Are you pleasantly plum? Chubby chasers.
Are you super bossy? Some men LIKE to be dominated.
You can even get a guy who doesn’t want to sex you and just want you to boss him around to clean your apartment. Exploiting kinky-Americans is a great way to get shit done.
If you are indeed female, seriously, stop worrying no matter what a guy says, he will most likely fuck you if given the chance. I mean, as long as you don’t smell bad.
If you are a dude, at the end of the night just look for the saddest, drunkest, loneliest girl in the bar and talk to her. No doubt some douches have already said mean things to her (negging), which might work on a more confident girl but sadsack will just get sadder, so you can just sweep in with a modicum of kindness and get the panties.