Breaking Story: To Russia With Love, Merry Christmas, Donnie

Russia

While digging through the dumpster outside of Trump Towers (aka White House North) our hardworking team at Killing the Breeze found this letter crumpled up in a copy of How Washington Actually Works for Dummies  that had been sandwiched between what appeared to be two broken halves of a Trump Tower Grill taco bowl.

Dear Russia,

But really, I mean, Vlad. Russia is Vladimir Putin. You’re the greatest ruler. I love how you sent all those press people to jail, kill them, however you do it. “Protesting” charges, really smart. Now social media, that’s what I got to do. Twitter feuds, they’re fun, but I like to get the last word. They go to jail, I get the last word. And some bigwig turns his back on you, boom, he’s in jail. I got a couple people I’d like to send to jail, let me tell you. Not Hillary, of course; she knows where my skeletons are buried. We might’ve even buried one or two together. I can’t remember; we did a lot of blow together in the 90s. But you get it. I don’t have to tell you about mutually assured destruction.

Really, that thing with the hackers and all, that was huuuuge. Really appreciate that. Great stuff. The best part? I’ve got everybody on the Right so worked up against those fact-loving Libtards (love that phrase), I play it off like just another Liberal conspiracy, done. Already got people twisting the fact that there’s no smoking gun that it was an attempt to get me into the White House into meaning “the CIA is a liberal conspiracy.

Gotta be embarrassing, you letting the CIA track you but hey, Vlad, sometimes even a smart man like you gets sloppy. It’s okay, I still respect you. Funny thing, I don’t have to arrest the press. I just tell people they’re liars and everybody believes me. I’ve killed the press for half of America without breaking any laws. Beautiful. Really great. Helps me separate my people from my enemy’s people. That’s what a good leader does, draw a line in the sand between the idiots he’s ruling and know who the true enemies are. Democrats are the enemies, Vlad. You’re my top ally.

I love how you played it with Julian Assange. Tell me if there’s anything I could do for him. I’m gonna start my own news channel when this whole president bag shakes out, I have a great place picked out for him, right next to Bannon. Assange can dig up the dirt and Bannon can make it news. Really stir things up. Really show me who’s on my side.

I don’t think they’ll let me get away with what you do, though it’s gonna be fun seeing how far I can take this thing. I mean, remember when we were at one of Silvio’s Bunga Bunga parties joking about this? Who thought they hated a powerful well-connected woman enough to elect me? I gotta tell you, Vlad, I’m gonna be picking your brain a lot on this whole leader thing. I’ve never worked for anybody. My dad for a bit but never had any boss. These Americans, especially those Dems, they keep trying to tell me I work for them. I mean, should I reject the neo-Nazis? You Russians know about Nazis, right?

Do you think I can get Alec Baldwin put in jail? There has to be something about, you know, insulting presidents, lying about what they say. He does a horrible impression of me. Very bad. How about SNL? Can I get them canceled? They do horrible work, totally biased. No wonder nobody watches anymore. Sad.

Which reminds me, should I get these intelligence briefings? They just talk, talk, talk. And ramble on about these number and computers, I don’t do data, I don’t do computers. I have some really good people working for me, really smart, the best, I figure, let them just figure this out and when I need to fire the nukes they’ll tell me. I wish I could just give them to you.

Do you think I should disband the CIA? I’ll just give their jobs to the FBI, great people there, very smart.

By the way, you totally sent those ultras to that sport thing with the ball they kick? Love it, smart move, showing those pansy euros who’s boss. I really liked how you backed them up too, I say if you can’t fight some guy in a wife-beater or pay somebody else to, you deserve to be beaten.

I’ve been trying to follow your lead, you really are a great leader, the best. Surround yourself with friends and suckups, this government thing isn’t hard. Except for Carson but hey, I finally got my African American. Listen, I know people. These are good people, the ones I picked, like the ones you do. They’re all rich. You know and I know those are the important people, the rich ones. Smart. Not like these people with all these advanced degrees Kenya Hussein picked. Just sit around thinking. I don’t want people to think, I want them to do.

Know what I love? Economically your country’s in the shitter, your population is falling, yet somehow you’re prouder, more powerful than ever? Great, really made Russia great again. I tell ya, we’re gonna be huuuge after this. Loved that thing you did with that country, what was it, something about crime?

Speaking of that, do you know anybody who can build a wall for cheap?

KellyAnne told me this is getting long. Isn’t she hot? I mean not now but you could tell she used to be hot. Maybe an 8 in her prime.

So Merry Christmas, Vlad, I mean, Russia. Enjoy your big oil deal, your man, he’s my man now, he’ll push these deals through. Gave him Crooked Hillary’s. Didn’t you love that nickname? That sealed it. I’m bulletproof right now. I pay a company’s payroll for 800 employees to keep them stateside and now everybody’s eating out of my hand. Beautiful.

When I’m president, first visit is Russia. Caviar. Bunga bunga party. Then you come to America, we can go fishing on Brokeback. Pence is really excited for that, he told me.

Merry Christmas. Did I tell you I’m in a Christmas classic? Great one, about a boy who outwits two Mexicans in my hotel. It’s an American classic, I’ll have KellyAnne send you a copy.

By the way, she’s not as hot or as young as Melania but do you think I should grab her pussy, just as, y’know, thanks?

Donnie

dbnr

P.S. What’s this Assange shit now? Get your dog in line if he ever wants me to get him out of that Nicaraguan embassy. I got a great job for him, he’s a really great kid if he doesn’t mess up too much.

 

From Russia, With Love

Ed. – We found this note in the same dumpster, in the very back of a copy of U.S. Constitution for Dummies, in the glossary just below a heavily-underlined “First Amendment” line. The note had included a poorly-drawn picture of a bear sitting with a stick figure with a well-drawn comb-over surrounded by a big heart. Underneath were the scribbled words “The Bear and Me.”

Donald,

Siamese fighting fish, fascinating creatures. Brave but of the whole stupid. Yes they’re stupid. Except for the occasional one such as we have here who lets the other two fight. While he waits. Waits until the survivor is so exhausted that he cannot defend himself, and then like SPECTRE… he strikes!

I will expect great things from you for mother Russia. You may run America but we are running the world. I expect your cooperation. Don’t make me turn New York into Aleppo. Baron would not be a successful child of war.

I will be happy to assist in your ongoing troubles against those puny rat journalists and those who do not support you, from proletariat to oligarch.

Your Comrade,

Vlad

*Yes, this is obviously not real. Donald would never dictate such structured sentences. Still, the stories cited are real news stories.

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Ryan Ariano

Born and raised in Baltimore, Ryan has been kicking around the west since the first Clinton White House. Having worked all over SoCal in the surf industry, Hollywood, marketing, journalism and finance, he now hangs his hat just outside Jackson Hole where he can fulfill an addiction to ascending and descending mountains.

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