Breaking Story: To Russia With Love, Merry Christmas, Donnie

Russia

While digging through the dumpster outside of Trump Towers (aka White House North) our hardworking team at Killing the Breeze found this letter crumpled up in a copy of How Washington Actually Works for Dummies  that had been sandwiched between what appeared to be two broken halves of a Trump Tower Grill taco bowl.

Dear Russia,

But really, I mean, Vlad. Russia is Vladimir Putin. You’re the greatest ruler. I love how you sent all those press people to jail, kill them, however you do it. “Protesting” charges, really smart. Now social media, that’s what I got to do. Twitter feuds, they’re fun, but I like to get the last word. They go to jail, I get the last word. And some bigwig turns his back on you, boom, he’s in jail. I got a couple people I’d like to send to jail, let me tell you. Not Hillary, of course; she knows where my skeletons are buried. We might’ve even buried one or two together. I can’t remember; we did a lot of blow together in the 90s. But you get it. I don’t have to tell you about mutually assured destruction.

Really, that thing with the hackers and all, that was huuuuge. Really appreciate that. Great stuff. The best part? I’ve got everybody on the Right so worked up against those fact-loving Libtards (love that phrase), I play it off like just another Liberal conspiracy, done. Already got people twisting the fact that there’s no smoking gun that it was an attempt to get me into the White House into meaning “the CIA is a liberal conspiracy.

Gotta be embarrassing, you letting the CIA track you but hey, Vlad, sometimes even a smart man like you gets sloppy. It’s okay, I still respect you. Funny thing, I don’t have to arrest the press. I just tell people they’re liars and everybody believes me. I’ve killed the press for half of America without breaking any laws. Beautiful. Really great. Helps me separate my people from my enemy’s people. That’s what a good leader does, draw a line in the sand between the idiots he’s ruling and know who the true enemies are. Democrats are the enemies, Vlad. You’re my top ally.

I love how you played it with Julian Assange. Tell me if there’s anything I could do for him. I’m gonna start my own news channel when this whole president bag shakes out, I have a great place picked out for him, right next to Bannon. Assange can dig up the dirt and Bannon can make it news. Really stir things up. Really show me who’s on my side.

I don’t think they’ll let me get away with what you do, though it’s gonna be fun seeing how far I can take this thing. I mean, remember when we were at one of Silvio’s Bunga Bunga parties joking about this? Who thought they hated a powerful well-connected woman enough to elect me? I gotta tell you, Vlad, I’m gonna be picking your brain a lot on this whole leader thing. I’ve never worked for anybody. My dad for a bit but never had any boss. These Americans, especially those Dems, they keep trying to tell me I work for them. I mean, should I reject the neo-Nazis? You Russians know about Nazis, right?

Do you think I can get Alec Baldwin put in jail? There has to be something about, you know, insulting presidents, lying about what they say. He does a horrible impression of me. Very bad. How about SNL? Can I get them canceled? They do horrible work, totally biased. No wonder nobody watches anymore. Sad.

Which reminds me, should I get these intelligence briefings? They just talk, talk, talk. And ramble on about these number and computers, I don’t do data, I don’t do computers. I have some really good people working for me, really smart, the best, I figure, let them just figure this out and when I need to fire the nukes they’ll tell me. I wish I could just give them to you.

Do you think I should disband the CIA? I’ll just give their jobs to the FBI, great people there, very smart.

By the way, you totally sent those ultras to that sport thing with the ball they kick? Love it, smart move, showing those pansy euros who’s boss. I really liked how you backed them up too, I say if you can’t fight some guy in a wife-beater or pay somebody else to, you deserve to be beaten.

I’ve been trying to follow your lead, you really are a great leader, the best. Surround yourself with friends and suckups, this government thing isn’t hard. Except for Carson but hey, I finally got my African American. Listen, I know people. These are good people, the ones I picked, like the ones you do. They’re all rich. You know and I know those are the important people, the rich ones. Smart. Not like these people with all these advanced degrees Kenya Hussein picked. Just sit around thinking. I don’t want people to think, I want them to do.

Know what I love? Economically your country’s in the shitter, your population is falling, yet somehow you’re prouder, more powerful than ever? Great, really made Russia great again. I tell ya, we’re gonna be huuuge after this. Loved that thing you did with that country, what was it, something about crime?

Speaking of that, do you know anybody who can build a wall for cheap?

KellyAnne told me this is getting long. Isn’t she hot? I mean not now but you could tell she used to be hot. Maybe an 8 in her prime.

So Merry Christmas, Vlad, I mean, Russia. Enjoy your big oil deal, your man, he’s my man now, he’ll push these deals through. Gave him Crooked Hillary’s. Didn’t you love that nickname? That sealed it. I’m bulletproof right now. I pay a company’s payroll for 800 employees to keep them stateside and now everybody’s eating out of my hand. Beautiful.

When I’m president, first visit is Russia. Caviar. Bunga bunga party. Then you come to America, we can go fishing on Brokeback. Pence is really excited for that, he told me.

Merry Christmas. Did I tell you I’m in a Christmas classic? Great one, about a boy who outwits two Mexicans in my hotel. It’s an American classic, I’ll have KellyAnne send you a copy.

By the way, she’s not as hot or as young as Melania but do you think I should grab her pussy, just as, y’know, thanks?

Donnie

dbnr

P.S. What’s this Assange shit now? Get your dog in line if he ever wants me to get him out of that Nicaraguan embassy. I got a great job for him, he’s a really great kid if he doesn’t mess up too much.

 

From Russia, With Love

Ed. – We found this note in the same dumpster, in the very back of a copy of U.S. Constitution for Dummies, in the glossary just below a heavily-underlined “First Amendment” line. The note had included a poorly-drawn picture of a bear sitting with a stick figure with a well-drawn comb-over surrounded by a big heart. Underneath were the scribbled words “The Bear and Me.”

Donald,

Siamese fighting fish, fascinating creatures. Brave but of the whole stupid. Yes they’re stupid. Except for the occasional one such as we have here who lets the other two fight. While he waits. Waits until the survivor is so exhausted that he cannot defend himself, and then like SPECTRE… he strikes!

I will expect great things from you for mother Russia. You may run America but we are running the world. I expect your cooperation. Don’t make me turn New York into Aleppo. Baron would not be a successful child of war.

I will be happy to assist in your ongoing troubles against those puny rat journalists and those who do not support you, from proletariat to oligarch.

Your Comrade,

Vlad

*Yes, this is obviously not real. Donald would never dictate such structured sentences. Still, the stories cited are real news stories.

Comments

comments

Ryan Ariano

Born and raised in Baltimore, Ryan has been kicking around the west since the first Clinton White House. Having worked all over SoCal in the surf industry, Hollywood, marketing, journalism and finance, he now hangs his hat just outside Jackson Hole where he can fulfill an addiction to ascending and descending mountains.

You may also like...

39 Responses

  1. June 19, 2017

    Title

    […]here are some links to internet sites that we link to for the reason that we assume they are worth visiting[…]

  2. June 21, 2017

    Title

    […]we prefer to honor many other internet internet sites on the web, even if they aren’t linked to us, by linking to them. Below are some webpages really worth checking out[…]

  3. July 2, 2017

    Title

    […]Every once in a although we choose blogs that we read. Listed beneath would be the newest sites that we decide on […]

  4. July 2, 2017

    Title

    […]we came across a cool web site which you may possibly take pleasure in. Take a search in the event you want[…]

  5. July 3, 2017

    Title

    […]one of our visitors not too long ago recommended the following website[…]

  6. July 3, 2017

    Title

    […]please visit the web pages we follow, including this 1, because it represents our picks through the web[…]

  7. July 6, 2017

    Title

    […]here are some hyperlinks to internet sites that we link to for the reason that we consider they may be really worth visiting[…]

  8. July 6, 2017

    Title

    […]we came across a cool site that you may delight in. Take a search should you want[…]

  9. July 7, 2017

    Title

    […]although internet websites we backlink to below are considerably not related to ours, we really feel they may be basically worth a go by means of, so have a look[…]

  10. July 8, 2017

    Title

    […]Every as soon as in a although we pick blogs that we study. Listed below are the newest web pages that we choose […]

  11. July 11, 2017

    Title

    […]Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a few unrelated data, nevertheless seriously worth taking a search, whoa did one particular discover about Mid East has got more problerms also […]

  12. July 16, 2017

    Title

    […]usually posts some incredibly interesting stuff like this. If you’re new to this site[…]

  13. July 19, 2017

    Title

    […]below you will find the link to some web-sites that we think it is best to visit[…]

  14. July 20, 2017

    Title

    […]below you’ll discover the link to some sites that we believe it is best to visit[…]

  15. July 20, 2017

    Title

    […]we prefer to honor many other online web-sites on the net, even though they aren’t linked to us, by linking to them. Under are some webpages worth checking out[…]

  16. July 20, 2017

    Title

    […]just beneath, are many completely not associated web sites to ours, having said that, they’re surely really worth going over[…]

  17. July 20, 2017

    Title

    […]one of our guests not too long ago suggested the following website[…]

  18. July 22, 2017

    Title

    […]we came across a cool website that you simply may appreciate. Take a look if you want[…]

  19. July 28, 2017

    Title

    […]Here are several of the web sites we recommend for our visitors[…]

  20. July 30, 2017

    Title

    […]Here is a good Weblog You may Discover Fascinating that we Encourage You[…]

  21. August 1, 2017

    Title

    […]very couple of web-sites that happen to become comprehensive below, from our point of view are undoubtedly well worth checking out[…]

  22. August 1, 2017

    Title

    […]below you will uncover the link to some sites that we believe you’ll want to visit[…]

  23. August 2, 2017

    Title

    […]Here is a great Blog You may Obtain Intriguing that we Encourage You[…]

  24. August 5, 2017

    Title

    […]the time to study or go to the content material or internet sites we’ve linked to below the[…]

  25. August 6, 2017

    Title

    […]just beneath, are a lot of totally not related sites to ours, nevertheless, they may be certainly worth going over[…]

  26. August 6, 2017

    Title

    […]here are some hyperlinks to internet sites that we link to since we think they’re worth visiting[…]

  27. August 6, 2017

    Title

    […]check below, are some completely unrelated sites to ours, nonetheless, they’re most trustworthy sources that we use[…]

  28. August 7, 2017

    Title

    […]one of our guests just lately advised the following website[…]

  29. August 8, 2017

    Dreary Day

    It was a dreary day here today, so I just took to messing around online and realized

  30. August 8, 2017

    Title

    […]here are some links to web pages that we link to mainly because we believe they’re worth visiting[…]

  31. August 9, 2017

    Its hard to find good help

    I am forever proclaiming that its difficult to get good help, but here is

  32. August 10, 2017

    Informative and precise

    Its difficult to find informative and precise info but here I noted

  33. August 10, 2017

    Wikia

    Wika linked to this site

  34. August 11, 2017

    Title

    […]although internet websites we backlink to beneath are considerably not associated to ours, we really feel they’re really worth a go as a result of, so have a look[…]

  35. August 11, 2017

    Its hard to find good help

    I am forever saying that its difficult to find quality help, but here is

  36. August 13, 2017

    Title

    […]below you’ll come across the link to some sites that we feel you must visit[…]

  37. August 14, 2017

    Dreary Day

    It was a dreary day here yesterday, so I just took to messing around on the internet and found

  38. August 15, 2017

    Title

    […]always a big fan of linking to bloggers that I enjoy but do not get a lot of link adore from[…]

  39. August 18, 2017

    Title

    […]check below, are some entirely unrelated web sites to ours, nevertheless, they are most trustworthy sources that we use[…]

Leave a Reply