How To Be Perfect: Man-Stealing
Welcome to How To Be Perfect; a no-nonsense advice* column from two women who know everything.
*We are “lifestyle experts” who have been trained by women’s magazines, men’s magazines, tabloids, celeb gossip and reality TV in the ways of the world. Advice need not be “good” in order for it to count as advice. Take it or leave it though you should probably leave it.
Todays: Query: I like a guy who is “waiting” for this other girl to finish travelling. I haven’t told him I like him but are there any tricks I can use to make him fall endlessly in love with me and forget about this girl?
So you need some know-how on some old-fashioned man-stealing.
Girlfriend, it is 2015, you get on the internet, you track down this chick, and then make it look like she’s fucking everyone she meets along “travels”. (It’s not that hard to make a dupe Facebook account, rent the movie “Catfish” for details.) Making her look like a whore is the only proven way to make a man fall out of love with her, and into love with you.
If he believes his dream girl is nothing but a dirty, lying skank, then he will be heartbroken AKA vulnerable, making it the PERFECT timing for you to swoop in with your words of comfort. Men are unable to get emotional support from their male friendships, so he will no doubt be looking for a delicate shoulder to cry on.
And if he suspects you had anything to do with setting up his old girlfriend, remember these words of advice: Deny! Deny! Deny! Lie till you die.
Should work like a charm.
Ack! That guy is under a siren’s spell; he thinks he’s in love. His mind is filled with images of them frolicking through the woods upon her return. He yearns for her love, even though, as Bunny said, she’s probs whoring all over the world.
And how can you compete? You’re, like, just some regular girl who’s always hanging around and is emotionally available. That’s just so unromantic. You’re like a piece of furniture and she’s a mythical magical mermaid of half-human, half-goddess perfection. You see what I’m getting at?
The only real chance you have at making him fall endlessly in love is to do exactly what she did- run away! At first he won’t care, but then, he’ll be chasing you in his daydreams, fantasizing about what he could have had, regretting ever letting you go to that retreat to New Mexico to ‘find yourself’.
Now, go, go fair princess, purchase those tickets, arrange that lodging. Write him a very long farewell letter (it better be in cursive!) in which you tell him you may never, EVER return! He’ll forget all about that two-timing tramp in a jiffy!