How to Be Perfect: Bad Roommates
Welcome to How To Be Perfect; a no-nonsense advice* column from two women who know everything.
*We are “lifestyle experts” who have been trained by women’s magazines, men’s magazines, tabloids, celeb gossip and reality TV in the ways of the world. Advice need not be “good” in order for it to count as advice. Take it or leave it though you should probably leave it.
Today’s Query: I just graduated from college and moved into an apartment with one of my good friends. The problem is that he doesn’t seem to understand how serious the real world is. He seems to still be stuck in college in his mentality, he just wants to hang out and get drunk and play video games all the time. How do I help my friend???
Oh boy, your roommate is headed straight for loser-ville. I’m really glad you wrote to us for help because you have the power to derail him and set him on the right track.
The most important thing you can do for him is to create an air of seriousness about you that will just be irresistible. By looking very stern and behaving very much like a ‘frigid bitch’, you will make every single matter seem very, very grave. If he’s up late watching Conan and laughing, make sure to furrow your brows and comment how being tired at work is a sign of immaturity.
Let him know just how unfunny you think humor is in general. If he’s still hanging out with his college girlfriend, try to break them up by talking about how important it is for him to practice his Game or he’ll end up with an ugly, poor wife. Purse your lips when you say this for dramatic effect.
He’ll start to act weird and awkward around you because he’ll feel hurt and disrespected. But since young guys can’t really deal with complex emotions, he’ll just let it go. Additionally, he’ll probably try to impress you by doing whatever you want of him. And what you want is for him to be a serious adult. A job well done!
Yeah, you are right to want to squash any fun your roommate will be having, it’s for his own good. Everyone knows our youths are for toiling hard and suffering long, and anyone who isn’t doing so is a pathetic slacker. Moan loudly every time he fires up his Xbox. Have work friends over to have quiet discussions about the economy in front of him.
Lure him away from his bong and his DVD collection by showing him how awesome it is to be uber-serious ADULTS. You can judge other people, you can harumph at misbehavior, and people will assume you are a VIP. You only want to save him from himself!!
You should start letting him know the real benefits of being a worker bee by buying fancy foods and appliances and then not allowing him to use them. Clearly label all of your snacks, and go nuts if he dares to munch on anything you bought with your hard earned cash.
Everyone knows you show someone you really love them when you refuse to share or help them out in any way. Bootstraps need to be pulled!