Kardashian Hate

 

The Kardashians

People say the Kardashians represent everything that’s wrong with our country. I say BLAMING the Kardashians is actually what is wrong with this country.
 
Endlessly seeking out figures on which to project some sense of superiority is what’s ruining our country. Get off the internet and do some math if you wanna help!
 
Everyone is always looking to shit on people they find disposable. If you’re bitterly feminist like me, it’s no surprise that more often than not, these figures are female.
 
Stop deluding yourself into believing you have no autonomy in deciding what grabs your attention. Stop behaving as if the Kardashians broke into your home, duct taped you to a chair, and forced you to chain-watch every season of every show (including spinoffs!). They are on basic cable.
 
You’re making the decision to pay attention. You might be surprised to discover that there are actually many people who don’t even know who the Kardashians are.
 

Tabloids

Stop pretending that people who work for tabloids are anything but the absolute scum of the earth. They never get their pic splashed across a magazine, but can make up all the atrocious lies they want as long as they attribute them to “a source”. They can behave as if they have no boundaries, as if someone’s personal life becomes as legitimate a thing to investigate as political crimes. (Who are we kidding, journalists don’t investigate political crimes anymore!)
 

Paparazzi

Stop cheering “thats what you get, famewhores!” when paparazzi try to physically intimidate people. This sentiment reminds me of all the odious human attitudes I can barely tolerate. Does someone being famous, even “famous for being famous,” mean that they aren’t still carbon-based lifeforms that get nervous and scared when being chased by strange men in cars? Does their wealth give creepers the right to hang outside of the schools of the underage Kardashians? There might not be a law, but I am personally judging the shit out of you, bad paps.
 

They’re Darker

Like many things, I also detect the stink of white supremacy on Kardashian haters. “But they’re white!” you might exclaim. Well, Kris Jenner certainly is a white woman, despite soaking the top of her head in black ink every month. But do you guys even know where Armenia is?
 
Full disclosure: I feel a solidarity for their Armenian side as a Greek. Greeks, Armenians, and Assyrians all have something in common, historically being victims of genocide at the hands of Ottoman Turks. Also, juicy butts.
 
I find that some casual Kardashian haters are not even aware of this detail. They don’t understand why Lamar didn’t take the offer to play in Turkey when Khloe felt uncomfortable due to her Armenian background. (“Khloe & Lamar”, Season 2, Episode 4)
 

Kim vs. Paris

My theory becomes more compelling when you consider the case of two sex tapes: Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. I realize they’re commonly considered to be THE SAME because of the sex tape to reality show trajectory, but let’s look closer.
 
As a teenager, Paris Hilton was getting into adult nightclubs and dancing on bars without underwear to land Page Six. When Kim Kardashian was a teenager, she did relatively regular (albeit rich kid) high school things like work a part time job with her dad and go to school dances.
 
Paris Hilton is shaped like a ruler and has a wonky eye (which is ok to mock since its from botched plastic surgery.) Kim K is like a cartoon Princess Jasmine come to life, with a curvy, swervy body. Do I have to point out which body type is more coveted among white people?
 
Paris Hilton’s been arrested for drugs multiple times. Kim K has never been arrested. In fact, I don’t think she’s ever been publicly under-the-influence when it wasn’t under the watchful eye of friends, family and producers.
 
Paris Hilton’s checkered past concerning race has been documented here and here. The Kardashians fall in love with black men, have actual black friends, and get called “trashy”, or worse.
 
Paris Hilton is a mean bully. Kim K is like your spoiled ditzy cousin. She means well. She’s sweet and pretty, but she maybe not always be the sharpest tool in the box. Paris Hilton collects animals like they’re accessories, while Kim K has an adorable child. Well, that last one may be a bit unfair.
 
I think you get where I’m going. Paris Hilton is a demonstratively terrible human being. Yet, there’s a certain amount of cache her brand of entrenched whiteness seems to afford her. If Kim K was that much of a hot sloppy mess, we’d long have stopped hearing about her outside of Bossip.
 

Final Note To My Fellow Comedians

Any joke whose punchline is “Kim Kardashian is a whore” or “Kim Kardashian fucks black guys!” is a terrible excuse for humor and you should be ashamed of yourself. I want to tell you to kill yourself, but that’s pretty insensitive to suicidal people.
 
Oh and: Congrats Kimye!!! Kim is finally getting every woman’s fairytale: a talented, rich, successful man who is secretly a huge dork that’s seen far too many rom-coms.

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Bunny Themelis

Bunny Themelis is a Canadian-born, Baltimore-raised comedian, actress and writer. Her favorite topics include being Greek, pop culture and nerdy history facts. She lives in Baltimore with her hubby and dogs, Miss Toni and Zeus.

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