How To Be Perfect: Not Obnoxious


How to be Perfect, but not obnoxious. It’ an art.

Welcome to How To Be Perfect; a no-nonsense advice* column from two women who know everything.

*We are “lifestyle experts” who have been trained by women’s magazines, men’s magazines, tabloids, celeb gossip and reality TV in the ways of the world. Advice need not be “good” in order for it to count as advice. Take it or leave it though you should probably leave it.

Todays: Query: Where is the line between being extremely obnoxious and being outgoing and friendly when meeting new people? What are sure signs you’ve gone wrong?

Bunny’s Advice:

The line between being extremely obnoxious and simply being outgoing depends upon who you are trying to impress. Not everyone has the same litmus test when it comes to obnoxicity.

Some people enjoy a restrained approach and would judge you for any outspokenness; others would look at the same demure behavior and declare you a milquetoasty smear of blandness.

So the answer is to never allow yourself to meet any “new” people. That’s right, you should vet all possible future acquaintances using social media before you decide how to proceed with presenting yourself. And don’t tell me that you can be surprised by a meeting! Upon being introduced, simply feign an important phone call after you get their name and google away in the bathroom. Duh.

This way you can control how people see you…and the world.

Ruby’s Advice:

Well, as a particularly harsh (AKA I’m a social elite) judge of obnoxiousness, I say that if you see people doing the moonwalk away from you, you’ve faux pas-ed.

Trust me, if people are fleeing your presence, it’s all your fault. All of it! It’s never that, say, they have to go to the bathroom. Jeez, where were you in pre-school where we learned these things?!

OK, OK, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps you’ve become confused over the years. Places like college, sporting events, and bars encourage extremely obnoxious behavior – ESPECIALLY if you are a white female. So I can see that society is sending you mixed messages. Being a teenager already guaranteed that you were wildly obnoxious, so you may have lost your radar too long ago.

Obnoxiousness takes many forms in life. I am, for example, extremely judgmental, which is exactly what I should be like as a perfect, well-off still young woman. If I was to go around and TELL people my very critical opinions about their failures, they would find me obnoxious, so I just hide them under my pursed lips and pointy nose. See? There’s a way to contain it.



Bunny Themelis

Bunny Themelis is a Canadian-born, Baltimore-raised comedian, actress and writer. Her favorite topics include being Greek, pop culture and nerdy history facts. She lives in Baltimore with her hubby and dogs, Miss Toni and Zeus.

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