How To Be Perfect: New Friends
Welcome to How To Be Perfect; a no-nonsense advice* column from two women who know everything.
*We are “lifestyle experts” who have been trained by women’s magazines, men’s magazines, tabloids, celeb gossip and reality TV in the ways of the world. Advice need not be “good” in order for it to count as advice. Take it or leave it though you should probably leave it.
Todays: Query: “I just moved to a new town and im trying to make new friends. I try to strike up conversations at the gym but I always get tongue tied! any tips?”
It’s great that hear that you’re going to the gym! The gym is the best place to get skinny if you’re a girl, or swoll if you’re a guy. There you can sweat and pant next a skinny or swoll hottie and maybe strike up a convo if you’re not a total social leper. Which you might be. Or you’re fat. No sure way to know unless you send me a picture.
I have no idea what life is like for dudes (they are just too complex) so I’m gonna give this advice assuming you are a girl.
Given that you have very few social skills at your age, I suggest joining a class at the gym. Nothing too packed like Zumba or difficult like cycling, but rather a more sparsely filled and girly class like yoga.
Usually only weird people do yoga, but there’s guaranteed to be at least a couple of normals in those classes. Park your mat right next to theirs. During class, whisper how hard the pose is to your neighbor. Keep whining and saying things like “I can’t do this, I can’t do this, can you?”
If she’s cool, she’ll respond with more whining and complaining. It’s kind of like passing notes in math class about how boring the class is, but a more grown up version. Who likes math?
After the class, join your new friend or friends in the locker room and bring up something fun to do nearby like getting mani/pedis or trying the new salad bar place. Just don’t act like you want to be their friend, cause that will be uncool. Act like you already have 93754572 other friends, and they’re lucky enough to even be talking to you. I recommend you do this while standing on one of those locker room benches, literally looking down on them.
I would also attempt to make a couple of guy friends at the gym. Walk into the weight room looking totally helpless. Ask something dumb like where the weights are. Just don’t lift anything too heavy, that’ll make you seem butch. Act like you can’t even lift the 5 lbs dumbell. That way, later on, you can convince them that you can’t use a screw driver, hang up a picture, or change the oil.
Great advice, Ruby! I just wanted to add a few more tips. A good way to create solidarity and make yourself seem relatable is to talk about how fat and gross you are, especially of you are actually super hot.
Maybe those chicks are intimidated by your flat abs, you need to let them know you hate your body almost as much as they so. Stand in the mirror and proclaim your thighs too jiggly, your stomach too pouchy, and your skin too dry/oily.
Some fair-hearted maiden will pipe up and offer some words of encouragement and tell you it’s nothing compared to her cellulite! Instant friend!!
If you are perchance a man, a good way to make gym friends is to offer metabolic steroids to the guys with the thick necks and the bacne. They love that shit.