How To Be Perfect: Little White Lies
Welcome to How To Be Perfect; a no-nonsense advice* column from two women who know everything.
*We are “lifestyle experts” who have been trained by women’s magazines, men’s magazines, tabloids, celeb gossip and reality TV in the ways of the world. Advice need not be “good” in order for it to count as advice. Take it or leave it though you should probably leave it.
Todays: Query: Before I started dating my current man I told a couple, little white lies that has since turned into a HUGE white lie. It’s not something that comes up daily but I do worry about it randomly being revealed by my family or friends. It’s gotten out of hand and I don’t know what to do! I don’t want him thinking I am a total nut job, I think I want to marry him down the road.
So did you tell him you had two vaginas, even though you only have one?
From what you say, it sounds like you told him you had double the vajayjay when you actually only have the classic situation.
It could happen to anyone!
You better cover your tracks. First, never take your pants off. Ever. I know this will prove to be challenging since you’re all hot for each other, but I assure you it’s worth it.
Second, do something to rid your family and friends of this information. Perhaps hypnotize them or even better, lobotomize. Make sure their long-term memory is wiped out, like it happens in most soap operas.
This might be hard, so you could kill all of them or just cut ties until you officially get married and he can’t back out. But don’t worry about marrying him with this lie intact.
Successful relationships are based on keeping secrets from one another. How else do you think billions of flawed people stay together???
Yeah, what else could the lie be, Ruby is likely right on. (Unless…is this Rachel Dolezal? Is that the kind of “white lie” you are referring to?)
Chances are he totally secretly suspects you were born with only one vag, but just like in that play M. Butterfly, you both kind of keep up the facade because no one wants to admit the truth and go to jail for treason.
If you come clean it might ruin the whole fantasy, so I recommend some tried-and-true advice I am fond of dispensing: Lie, lie, deny till you die. That’s how most good marriages start, anyway.
Best of luck!