How to Be Perfect: Getting Back Together
Welcome to How To Be Perfect; a no-nonsense advice* column from two women who know everything.
*We are “lifestyle experts” who have been trained by women’s magazines, men’s magazines, tabloids, celeb gossip and reality TV in the ways of the world. Advice need not be “good” in order for it to count as advice. Take it or leave it though you should probably leave it.
Todays: Query: Say you have an ex who is still ridiculously hot, how good or bad of an idea is getting back together with her?
Wait, are you sure she’s really that hot?
I have seen one too many men fall for the ‘blinding personality’ trick put on by sub-par women with witchy lady voodoo skills. She might just be mind-fucking you with advanced jedi mind tricks that leave you blinded to her now deteriorated physical dimensions.
To sum it up, you might be a sucker. Get some outside, sober opinions! I recommend that you take as many candid photos of her as possible during the following situations: not intuiting your feelings, smothering you emotionally, failing to live up to your mother, and waking up with a hangover.
Then ask your guy friends their opinions. Don’t ask the ones who knew her when you two were dating, make an entirely new group of guy friends just for this purpose. If they say she’s bangable, then by all means, get back together! I mean, second time is always the charm.
One fatal mistake men make when pursuing the ridiculously hot is TELLING them that they’re ridiculously hot! So if you are serious about getting her back, you better start working on deflating that big head she’s got. You gotta make her feel like she can’t do any better than you.
So, first things first, you must also get to your most ridiculously hot self. Then plan to run into her “randomly” looking super hot, and then when you say hello, subtly criticize something about her appearance.
Now, there’s a fine line. Don’t be TOO mean or obvious, because she’ll just assume you’re a jealous ex, say it like you are offering her a bit of much-needed perspective. You’re only telling her those jeans give her a little muffin top for HER SAKE. Then pretend you have to leave rather urgently, leaving her to deal with the passive-aggressive bomb you’ve just left her.
Then she will go home and she wont be able to stop thinking about you: your criticism and the relationship you once had. She’ll think, “Wow, maybe I need someone in my life who will really tell it like it is.” Make sure you put a bunch of photos of yourself having a great time on Facebook, so when she inevitably stalks you, it will seem like you are very in demand.
Before you know it she’ll be liking all your instagrams, and you’ve got her!