How To Be Perfect: Cheating
Welcome to How To Be Perfect; a no-nonsense advice* column from two women who know everything.
*We are “lifestyle experts” who have been trained by women’s magazines, men’s magazines, tabloids, celeb gossip and reality TV in the ways of the world. Advice need not be “good” in order for it to count as advice. Take it or leave it though you should probably leave it.
Todays: Query: Is it really considered cheating if the girl is uglier than the one I’m dating? What if it only lasts for less than 5 mins? What if it’s just heavy petting and mutual masturbation?
Oh, how wrong you have it, my boy. Cheating is a scumbag’s game, but there is a way to be the better scum.
Cheating only doesn’t count if it lasts under 5 minutes AND the girl is unquestionably HOTTER that your girlfriend, like in a supernatural way. The implication being that you’re way too lowly to actually be on that super hot girl’s radar. I mean, you could even spin it like SHE used YOU.
That way it’s a believable lapse in judgement because everyone knows men cant control themselves around women who are too hot. You cheating with an uglier girl adds insult to injury, because it’s like cheating on your lady’s personality! How awful!
At least with a hotter girl she can chalk it up to superficial cravings, and the slutty, slutty ways of the hot girl. How is she to comfort herself when you’re groping on ugly chicks just for fun?
Always cheat up, my friend, up.
Get used to the facts: men have a Y-chromosome lazy and visual gene (I know this because I have a master’s degree in biology.)
Once synthesized into proteins, this gene is responsible for male high-def magnetic goggle-eyes with tunnel vision.
For this reason I am going to direct this advice to the women involved-
Whatever prettiest thing your cheating boyfriend sets his eyes on at the moment is what he wants to put his penis near. Simple! I’ve come up with a top ten list of reasons you were cheated on and ways you can remedy these:
- Your eye lashes are too short – eyelash tinting/Latisse/fake eyelashes
- Your feet are too big – toe-shortening plastic surgery
- Your finger nail polish is chipped – Axxium gel, gel tips, acrylics
- You have armpit stubble – laser hair removal
- Your hair isn’t straight enough – brazilian karatin treatment
- Your foundation doesn’t blend into your neck – kabuki brushes make this easy
- Your jeans are from 2 seasons ago (who wears skinny jeans anymore?) – 70’s style bell-bottoms start at just $219 on shopbop.com
- Your vulva isn’t symmetrical – labiaplasty
- You don’t have a happy glow – cheek stain + luminizer in the perfect ratio
- Your triceps are too flabby – 3 sets of 15 reps of pushups, 10 lb weights, and lean protein for lunch
And the list goes on. As you can see, you can prevent his cheating ways by meticulously taking perfect care of every part of your body. His magnetic eye beams will be constantly drawn to you and only you. Good luck!